One-Time-Only Entry About My Health

Inspired by a couple of blogs chronicling the authors' battles with pain, and, maybe, for the sake of old friends who might look me up, I've decided to post one entry about my health.*

I am currently disabled; that is, I am not able to take seminary classes, or do anything other than sit at home and try to read. I'm in chronic pain; my whole upper body vibrates (yes, that's the right word for it); at times my arms wobble; and, my hands shake constantly. (I am writing this by dictating into Dragon NaturallySpeaking Preferred v. 9.5. I may upgrade to their Professional edition, which is 508-certified for near complete hands-free control of the PC, but I'm not entirely sure what the benefit is. The upgrade costs almost 4 times what the original package cost me).

My biggest frustration is that I cannot write by hand; that is, I can't write in my journals; I can't mark up or make notes in my books; I can't diagram Greek sentences. My study of Hebrew and Greek has stalled; it's hard to improve with a language if you can't write it. Neither can I hold a book--at least not steady enough so as to be able to read it. I bought myself a lap desk with a tilting top, so I rest my books on that. I also have one position lying in bed with two pillows on my chest that works. Otherwise, I'm stuck. (Laying the book down on a flat surface doesn't work because of problems with my neck).

Unfortunately, I still do not have a diagnosis to explain this condition. We thought I had polymiositis, a rare muscle-wasting auto-immune disorder. It would fit many of the symptoms I've experienced: I lost about 45 pounds of muscle between September and the 1st week of December (when I was put on corticosteroids. I know it was muscle, because my waist size basically stayed the same), the inflammatory markers in my blood tests have been consistently very high, and I had extreme weakness in my proximal muscles: hips, shoulders, and neck. The weakness got so extreme in November that I couldn't get in or out of bed, couldn't dress myself, couldn't lift my feet into the car, and so on.

The corticosteroids had a nearly immediate effect. I felt very much as though my body came back to life. The extreme weakness disappeared. (This, of course, is relative. I've been working with physical therapists for months and still can't curl more than 3 pounds.) However, some of the pain has remained, the shakiness I started to experience in October is disabling, and I feel myself slowly lapsing back into my helpless state. The corticosteroids have their own adverse side-effects, mostly by compromising the immune system.

In February, I had a muscle biopsy of my left quadriceps, which is supposed to be the definitive test for polymiositis. The biopsy came back abnormal, but not indicative of polymiositis. So now my rheumatologist says I have some form of peripheral neuropathy, a neurological disorder, and my neurologist categorically denies the possibility of any neurological problem. The two of them are supposed to confer and get back to me, which they haven't done now two weeks later. (I haven't found a single description of polyneuropathy that fits any of the symptoms I feel.)

The remaining possibility is that this is the "remote effect" of an underlying cancer that is still undetectable. So, I've been going through the basic cancer screening tests. There apparently are cancers that produce symptoms like mine 18 months or so before the cancer shows up. All my doctors say this is unlikely, but we need to test for it just in case.

One of the things that complicated diagnosis originally is that it turns out I had a number of orthopedic problems: a herniated disk in my neck, bony spurs impinging on nerves, etc. I also had a rotator cuff tear in my shoulder as well as bone spurs on my collar bone and shoulder bone. I had surgery on my shoulder. But the surgeon doesn't think surgery on my neck would do any good--I have too many things wrong.

I really have had to face my own mortality this past year. Some of the suggested diagnoses were terminal (one of the most alarming was ALS), and there is still the lingering possibility of a cancer showing up. However, my faith is stronger than it has ever been. I would be lying if I said I never had times when I've wallowed in self-pity--I have. But, I've always been able to remind myself of the sovereign goodness and wisdom of God and get my mind on that instead.

Paul says, in Romans 8:18, "For I consider that the sufferings of the present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory to be revealed to us" (NASB). I believe this with all my heart. I believe that the resurrection of Jesus gives meaning to all the pain and weakness I feel now, and I am very content!

The danger of a post like this one is that it sounds like whining. I'm not. I am looking forward to this Easter and the ultimate Easter to come.

*(I may, in future, write about the battle for faith in the midst of pain.)